past present future

so what does one do when there you know something may not be your best scenario is something you want for the future?  it may not be healthy, but is something you think you want.

what does one do when there's something new and shiny that seem it would be heathly and good and yet still, the unhealthy still pulls at you

what does one do when total messed up from the past freight trains into the present and wants to be part of the future.

I think it's time for a nap.



how is it possible to miss something so much - when it was never had?


metallica filmore week!

home. unpacked. laundry done. *head drops...* work tomorrow.

i cant believe how incredibly fast the week went. seriously flew by. and other than alcatraz with debbie on saturday - i didnt sight-see a single thing! slept and stood and roooooocked! truely was one of the best weeks of my life. knowing how they are - im sure they'll either do a 'best of' dvd or a four-pack or something. BUY it. YouTube it... something. there were some amazing things that happened.

most people headed down to start a line between 4 and 5pm - some 4am - others right at 6:30 when the doors opened. standing in line you met sooo many people - from all over the globe. it was crazy where everyone was from and how far they had traveled - some without tickets hoping to score a chance to be someones +1 for the evening. there was a lot of ".... where have we me before??" going on - and lord knows you had the time to stand there and figure it out. Once that line started moving - *WHAM-O!* you were searched, ticketed, stamped and claiming your spot for the evenings festivities. Apart from wednesday night, the crowd was pretty calm. a pit here and there, but thats to be expected trying to squeeze your way up front. The crowd was overall cool - they'd expand to save your spot if you had to go to the restroom, grab a beverage, catch a smoke or just find a spot to relieve your feet for two seconds.

I had never been to the filmore, but from what i could tell - and i stood just about everywhere in the venue - not a bad spot in the house. balcony uptop for the VIPs, sound and lights in the back. Upstairs across from the VIP section, they had the metallica museum. total craziness. lars' kit from the black album tour, james' burnt guitar, doris' head, pushead art, cliffs bass was something that was added later in the week - amazing! hopefully theres a full set of pictures somewhere because it was really neat. sound was great!

Each night started out with the soul rebel brass band. always good to rock out with. then the boys came out and said a quick hello - introduced jim breuer and the night was rollin' from there. Trivia contests - jeopardy style, Name-That-Rif game... quite amusing. Both were hosted by jim - who got funnier by the night. Each night there were cliff stories. funny - emotional - crazy - great! Ray Burton, cliffs dad came out on monday night, scott ian and kirk one night, James and jim martin told some, and rob talked about the inspiration. After all the heartfelt yammering - opening band. Apocalyptica (monday), Armored Saint (wednesday), Laaz Rockit (friday), Death Angel (saturday). Monday was by far the best. the apocalyptica guys - holy hell.... AMAZING! I've always liked armored saint, so that was great to see as well. Death Angel I had never listened to - but enjoyed their show. Laaz Rockit - never heard of, never want to hear again. only once have i ever seen a metallica crowd so unwelcoming and uninterested in an opening band of my 70+ shows.

Once the opening bands were done, the metallica guys strolled out, sometimes still half dressed for the evening, finishing their banana, adjusting a belt, etc. There was no 'lights fade down' or ecstasy of gold.... they talked a second, cracked a joke, did a quick jab and then they went to work. First song each night was an instrumental. really enjoyed that. Ktulu (mon), to live is to die (wed), suicide & redemption (fri) and orion (sat). suicide was a little rough for the first few minutes - which they joked about on saturday and played the first minute or so again, which received a chuckle from the crowd.

The setlist was completely different each night except for the last song (seek and destroy). That was a treat for us fans who were there for each night - but i can't imagin how much preparation it had to have been for them. Thats a lot of songs - some which haven't been played for years - if ever. Kirk had some notes on a music stand, and james some lyrics via the vox box - and can't say i'd not have to do the same thing! There was one new song that was overstock from death magnetic played each night which was very cool to hear. Metallica played a good chunk of songs each night on their own and then it was 'special guest time'. One lucky clubber (saturday it was a newly married couple) got picked to come up and jam with the band. was quite cool. There were always rumors, predictions, and that one guy who 'knows for sure!' whos going to be there - but i tried not to hear/read anything. I wanted to be surprised like a kid on christmas morning... and i was. I did the predicting myself - to which i have to say did alright on... but was truly a lot of fun standing there among all the fans awaiting the announcement on who was joining them next - and how they were related to metallica's history.

special guests:
monday:apocalptica, jason newsted, biff byford (saxon), sean harris * brian tatler (diamond head)
wednesday: marianne faithful, ray haller, kid rock, john bush, lou reed, jason newsted, king diamond
friday: jerry cantrell, animal (anti-nowhere-league), gary rossington, pepper keenan, jim martin, jason newsted, glenn danzing, rob halford
saturday: bob rock, geezer butler, ozzy osbourne, jason newsted, hugh tanner, dave mustaine, lloyd grant, ave mustaine, ron mcgoveny

Friday night they gave a big shout out and thank you to the metclub staff. some of those cats have been around a long time and work their pah-toots off so it was awesome to see. Saturday they thanked some of their long-time crew members like Bean, Zach and Mick. nothing but devil horns, applauds and hollars from the crowd. credit where credit was due.

I cannot begin to tell you how amazing the week was and how lucky i feel to be a part of one night - let alone all four. If i had to pick a favourite night - i'm not sure i could. some had strengths and some had weaknesses - but overall - it just kicked total ass. I met some great people, heard and shared so many stories, learned a lot and flat out rocked til every muscle in my body ached. I've been a metclubber since '94 and have several times thought about not renewing because of financial issues or life goings-on - but when you look back on all that i've experienced through the club and the friends i've made and the places i've been - all in relation to the club, no way i'm not sending that couple of bucks in each July.

Ive attached links to photos of all 4 filmore shows and some of my time spent at HQ. They're bare bones - and even a mislabeling on a few (am-i-evil was never the closing song - always seek & destroy). blurry, washed out, cut off... but maybe you'll get a taste of how the week went. I've also attached the setlist (thank you metontour.com) for each night.


sometimes you purposely put on the clown suit and strut around, other times you know you have it on, but cant for the life of you figure out how the hell it happened.

as i look

walking across that old dirt floor

knowing not a soul tonight

through the chaos… in front of me

i heard only that one thing

the sound of your laugh… hit my heart

freeing it from fifteen years shut

as i look around the wall

one by one i watch them fall

broken hearts and many tears

of those who wanted you so near

a dance among two strangers

became more than we knew

as we shared our truths… and our dreams

even though we both had others

special were those the nights…upon the checkered tiles

spinning to the tunes of past

as i look around the hall

one by one i feel them fall

the tears upon my face

while you wed the one in lace

thinking that my chance was done

not a day went by i didn't ask why

dancing with another another… i did try

but with every step and every laugh

only did it cause… my soul to ache

for with you i wanted to be

as i look around the town

one by one she let you down

listen is all i could do

being there just for you

through it all we both stood tall

knowing our hearts beat still true

upon the back hill… that special night

i heard only that one thing

the sound of your voice... honest and true

forever to be me and you

as i looked in your eyes

thankful we gave it a try

for in the world of glistening snow

we shared for all those to know

long road we have traveled since then

journeys of a lifetime still to go

the sound of your laugh… still in my heart

wish to have you here with me

forever in your arms… so tight

thank you my friend, for being my light.


in tune.

a handful of stars in the sky

you're so far away and why

because tonight i cannot deny

feelings in my heart don't lie

back then with just a glance

followed by song and dance

time apart we did so mend

you became my best friend

wounds and scars we both wear

inside and out - how they do tear

having someone there to share

understanding like this so rare

ive never met one like you

alluring and strong - this is true

hard to believe we've not met

to enjoy many a sunset

fading off to sleep tonight

dreams it will all be right

because for us i will fight

it is you that gives me such might

your voice still on my mind

that laugh - one of a kind

time together it just flies

darkness - i close my eyes


end 'o year.

a week off work to wrap up a long looong year.

congratulations on making it.

thoughts coming soon....


The Animal Odd Couple

In this latest installment of CBS News Assignment America, Steve Hartman visits an animal sanctuary where a dog and an elephant have formed a very lasting, and unusual, friendship

cherish your friends, no matter the differences.
much love.



time stands still.

just wanted to post a few tunes that no matter where i am, or what im doing when i hear them, time stands still. puts me in a place thats calm, safe and full of laugher if only for a minute. xx

(and yes rock the planet, i know i just lost my lifetime metal membership)

faith of the heart - russell watson

walking in memphis - marc cohn

just to see you smile - tim mcgraw

the wonder of you - elvis presley

i'll stand by you - the pretenders


just one

one game changes everything.

heard frequently throughout world cup. its really so true for the game of life - where each moment, each opportunity, is part of the game. one right decision, you're flying high. one not-so-right decision and you're in a canyon. the fun ones are the surprise decisions -- the unsure -- the new and different. you've also got those i-know-better-than-this decisions... but you look over each shoulder and jump anyway.

what do you do when you've jumped with a 50/50 chance of favorable outcome and your parachute doesn't work? the whole way down - images and audio playing in your head - but scrambled - so they dont so much go together. you're falling rapidly and yet, so slowly. the anticipation of meeting the ground overwhelms you to the point that you cant even shut your eyes and hang on... you're there - deer in a headlights stare - waiting.

you know not what to do. they say life is yours to live, but is that really the case? those same people tell you life isn't fair. theres those things you want so much out of life that your soul aches for them and those that with all your being you hope you never experience in your life.

while sitting, staring - waiting - aching and experiencing, it occurs to you how insignificant the fact that your parachute didn't open is because there is someone else, someone close to you - or the stranger you rode the elevator with today, who has less that a 50/50 chance of a favorable outcome in their game of life.

so your soul aches and you've got a large bag that you never wanted sitting by your feet. you made the i-know-better-than-this decision and it changed the game. it changed everything. you have to look at what you have. you have your soul, a bag - large one at that, and feet. you're already doing better than someone you had contact with today.

breathe. loosen grip. blink. hang on for the ride cos its about to get crazy.